're: Stacks' -- Bon Iver
I think the constant act of studying makes you think about things. Needing to spend hours huddled at a desk flipping through pages (surprisingly dog-eared and highlighted because I can’t seem to remember having gone through those pages at all!), stealing justified breaks in the form of meals/bath times/tv-time (gotta have some of that), makes you wonder what you want to do with your life.
There are times when images of an ideal life come to mind – I’m in a brightly lit kitchen, scooping hunks of pumpkin and roasting pine nuts for what appears to be a pumpkin/butternut squash soup. The walls are white (because everything looks better against a white backdrop) with accents of color in the form of photo frames or knick-knacks on wooden shelves. In the background the soulful strumming of a Kings of Convenience song (at the moment it’s Renegade) or Elbow’s August and September is playing. I make my way out to the dining area to set the table, ‘pad-pad-padding’ in my comfy winter socks because it’s Autumn and there’s a perfect chill in the crisp air. Perhaps I’m having a friend or two over but someone will be bringing a roll of freshly baked baguette from a bakery that we can break and share over the soup. I have no idea what I do for a living but hopefully it’s something that gives me time like this over weekends to take things slow.
I guess there are times when I think of little things in my life that I’d like to have but I can’t see the overall picture or how things like that would even fit in. These give me hope, though. The thought that one day in the distant future I’ll be able to experience something like that and it’s coming, just that I need to get through the present with its own share of obstacles first.
I want to have faith that in the future something like that will be possible but at the same time, I worry that dwelling too much on what-might-be detracts from fully appreciating everything that is happening right now. It’s this constant ambiguity of emotions that characterizes moments when I break off from studying and simply stare off because my brain needs a break.
A friend of mine said to me recently though, that there’s no point worrying so much because what will be, will be, and that life has a way of getting us there. Some people scoff at quasi-sentimental and philosophical statements like these but I lap ‘em up like a dog licking up remnants of a delicious apple pie. I love the idea that we can store our worries away, pack ‘em up in a satchel and toss them into a dark room for the time being, because our path is taken care of and wherever we’re meant to be, we’ll get there. Just thinking about that brings a sense of calm and quells the ball of anxiety within me whenever I think about the exams and then working life that lies ahead.